Confused Flowers

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I think spring has come, but I am nervous to write these words, because the instant I do it will probably start raining again. It is beautiful. There are flowers in front of my apartment, and I can see the buds on the trees bursting, getting ready to come out! :) EEK! YAY!! The sun has been coming out! There are even flowers on one of the trees across the street. They must be confused you see, they are showing their bright beautiful pink faces, but It is still only February. But shhhh. I wont tell them, because I am glad they've come out! I am so glad. I cannot stop praising God for the sun shine. I feel so much better when it comes out! Thank you Lord for being gracious towards me. Thank you for letting the sun shine in Portland just for me! I feel so rejuvinated by it! Oh and Lord, thank you for being so gracious with me. You continually call me back, and you continually pour your love out in my heart. I am so blessed to see your beauty all around me, not only in the flowers, but in the people around me. Thanks for new friends, and fun friends. Lord thank you for old friends, and for family friends. Sometimes I just can't believe how you've blessed me. Please let the sun continue to shine in my heart, even when it doesn't show its face in the sky, and please help my heart to be overflowing with that same shine, so that I can shine the Son on those around me. I love you Jesus.

I'm not gone..

Friday, January 8, 2010

Oh blog. I miss you so. I have neglected you in a way that no blogger ever should. It's not because this is what I wanted. I didn't want to go a month and a half without writing a blog. but.. that's what happens when you have life. Sometimes it just gets in the way of the simpler things. Like sitting around with your hubby listening to old country music. Which is what I'm doing now. He's playing chess. He's such a handsome, romantic sexy chess nerd. :) I don't really think he's a nerd though. I can't lie. I love him so much. Sometimes I'm not a great wifey, but he always thinks I am. I think he's the best husband in the world. I don't know if you know this; but he works so hard! He works a full time Job! Like physical labor job. and he goes to school Full time-not wimpy school. hard school. and he writes like 20 page papers, and does good in class, and is Smart! and He teaches Sunday School. and helps me with my ministry too! And you know what else... it doesn't matter how busy he is, he still makes time to be sweet to me, and to kiss me like a million times before he goes out the door because I like won't let him leave with out doing it. And he spends time with me, just me, and he likes it! I am so the luckiest girl on earth.

We recently went on a two week road trip back and forth between Utah and San Diego, I didn't get tired of him the whole time! I don't get sick of spending time with him. It's so much better when he's here. Lucky me that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. Or i should say Blessed me! I am so blessed. I do not deserve the gift that I have been given.

And that's what makes God so great! He turns ashes to beauty. I've made the wrong decisions time after time, I've lost sight of Jesus, I've tried to ignore him, but He pursues me. He redeems me. He has poured out grace after grace. Redemption after redemption. Beauty after beauty. He continually opens my eyes to how great he is and how much he loves me. I don't understand how He would suffer so much for me, just to love me. He doesn't get sick of spending time with me. He doesn't get annoyed when I act dumb, he forgives me for my mistakes and failures, and he makes me new. He looks at me and sees a forgiven beauty. He is so faithful! so amazing. He has blessed me with a husband who loves me so much, and it helps me to understand how he loves me. and to love him more. Jesus, thanks for choosing me as your bride, thanks for seeing me as your chosen one and not as the adulterous woman i deserve to be seen as. You alone are God. You alone are loving. You alone are grace poured out!

the more twangy the better!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I just LOVE country music. I'm sorry, but I do! I suppose it started with my parentals! They've ruined me, or maybe not ruined, but it's all their fault. They played country music all the time, well I should say they play country music all the time. I know a lot of people grew up with oldies and soft rock, but I grew up with old country and ksop!
I didn't always love Patsy Cline and Don Williams, but when it came around to when I was purchasing my own cd's I bought a cd of each of them. And I often reminisce of long car rides with the Bar J Boys playing on tape. We all had the words to every song memorized, even the yodeling part.
I don't know what it is about Country music and mornings, but they go together like pb&j. Seriously! I get so happy listening to country music in the morning. I have 3 pandora stations that play country, and 2 presets in my car that play it also. It makes my heart glad to listen to it. I love it, I feel like there is substance to it.

I think I especially love Bluegrass-ish country music. Its so twangy and nice! I love songs about little country towns and growin up in the sticks. I don't feel like I grew up too far out there, but I know what it's like to live in the country, and to have neighbors who drive tractors for a living. I lOVE it!
I discovered a new duo this week! a husband and wife, :) they're too cute! the husband always wears overalls and the wife wears snap up country shirts tucked into her highrise jeans. :) it makes me so happy to watch them. Joey and Rory are their names. I love their song "play the song" and "cheater cheater"! :) he he he!

Anyways, I know, I'm just rambling on and on about country music, but I can't help it. I love it! :) it makes me want to drink a beer, make love to my husband, have a bunch of kids and live out in the sticks. :) Music people, its moving!

PS. the sun is out right now. :) IT"S BEAUTIFUL! YAY! Praise God for letting the sun come out!

sweet salvation

Thursday, November 5, 2009

lists lists lists. I love lists. I am good at lists. I can make a list, do the things, check it off. Done! Accomplished! SUCCESS! I am awesome! right?

I love making grocery lists, chore lists, lists of prayers, lists of food, friends, anything! Write a list, it'll get done! I even make lists of doing good.

__ Be nice to others
__ Pray
__ Go to Church
__ Follow Jesus
__ Do the right things
__ Volunteer
__ Serve others
__ ETC.....

What is this list for? This is the list that a lot of people live by. Not exactly this list, I didn't copy it from some guide book to life... it's the list of what we should do. right? It's like how to get to heaven 101.... these are the things to do. This is how I have lived so often. In the Mormon church, and out of it.

What a flawed person I am.

What a flawed belief this is.

The whole point of Jesus dying is because I can't do this list. It doesn't matter where I go, what I do, the things I check off will never get me into heaven. I'm not perfect. I will not be perfect in this life.

Brian has been writing a paper that has harshly reminded me of the path to perfection which I've tried so hard to give up. It's like a drug. I understand why people think this way, I think this way!
Does that make it truth?
No.

Oh how my heart aches to scream it! STOP RUNNING! You cannot be perfect.
You don't Have to!

I don't have to.
Oh sweet salvation, how have you won my heart, and yet it keeps on straying.
Please Sweet Salvation, hang on to my heart, because I can not, but you can. and you do.
It is you who sought me. You who pulled me close. You who holds me dear.
And it's despite my failure I fear.

I love you Sweet Salvation; Jesus! my God!

beauty to bread

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Seriously.. Portland .. Stop Wetting! For those of you not in the Northwest, let me tell you what wetting is. You may know of rain, it falls from clouds, it gets things wet, it makes things grow (along with the sun). What I like to call wetting is not really like rain, it is like one of those misters at the fair that you stand under to cool off. It doesn't seem to fall or rise, just wet the air. Only this is not a hot day, the sun is nowhere to be found, it is cold, and dark... It is my least favorite kind of day, and it is the kind of day that the winter in the Northwest is filled with. But I am supposed to be filled with joy, for Jesus lives inside of me. And I have to say, that even though I feel so lethargic every time it starts wetting, there is still joy. As I walked home from the post office just now I was singing! ! Singing?! I know, it's wetting on me and yet I sing. And I was wearing flip flops, just to reminisce warmth, but as I looked down at my feet I thought, "I love those yellow leaves!" And I do. And now, as I look out the window behind the computer screen, I love those red leaves! I really love the red ones. And seriously, the bush that is outside my window is misted, like the vegetables in the grocery store, but seriously the water is just clinging on for dear life, it is spectacular!




ok, so I think what it is, is that I Love Color! I love the fall, or so I've always said, and you want to know why? Because of the color of course! I mean look, in one picture you get red, green, yellow, orange, purple.

GOD, You are SO GLORIOUS!

Jesus Is the only reason there is joy in my heart today, He is the only reason their is beauty to revel in. I mean, only He could shake the clouds off of my mind and fill it with wonder of him and his creation. I am so glad for the fall, for the colors in fall. They are so awesome!


I have been putting off writing my blog for a few too many days, I've been in a bit of a slump, what with the wetness beginning. And maybe I'm trying to compensate for my lack of interesting things to say with interesting pictures, but the truth is maybe I do have something interesting to say, and maybe my pictures aren't that great.

What I do have to say is that Jesus amazes me. As I read today in John 6 my heart beat fast with excitement and awe. Jesus miraculously feeds 5000, then they seek him, and he tells them, You're seeking me because you ate and were filled. Then he tells them the bread from the father is the true bread from heaven, and it's this bread who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world! But no, he doesn't stop there and let them try to figure out what he's saying, he tells them next, I AM THE BREAD OF LIFE! He tells them 3 times, he tells them they must eat of this bread to live. They must accept HIM as the Bread! From God! Then about all of them get offended and leave, and then he asks the 12 if they are offended by this, (knowing they are surprised by his sayings). He does not say, "Do all these works and be perfect, and then you can live" NO! he says, Partake of ME! This IS a hard saying! What does it mean? He says that The words he Speaks are Life! He gives his life for the world! He is the bread of life! the Substance of life! Jesus is the God-Man sent down to die, to be betrayed and walked away from, to become a SACRIFICE! Given so we can LIVE! HE GIVES LIFE! it is him. Eat this bread and live forever.

Pipe and Passion

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Yesterday while standing in a line in downtown Portland a man walked by; I imagine he was headed home from the work day. He caught my eye because he was smoking a pipe, it was cold, and altough I don't smoke I thought "wow, how comforting that looks in this cold weather." It's not often you see a man smoking a pipe, especially not one wearing converse sneakers and ipod earbuds. Now you probably can see why he caught my eye. I smiled. He was charming in a Portland-Postmodern-do what I like- sort of way. Some of you know that I don't particularly love this city. It is crazy, cold, and concrete and it's just not my favorite place; But I do like watching people, and This city, is one of the best cities for that. The downtown streets are always flooded with a mix of homeless people begging for money, business people moving between public transportation, street preachers, gay activists, families, tourists, and all kinds of different people. It truly is a melting pot city. One thing we all have in common though, we are all people. We were all created by God. He alone sees the true beauty in each one.

This morning while getting ready I looked down into an open drawer in my bathroom and saw a tag that said "Made with Passion". It was a household item, nothing special or significant about it, but when I read that today I thought "God made Me with Passion!" And the truth is; He made all of us with Passion. With Love and Joy and Purpose. He didn't just make us to throw us onto this broken world and test us to see if we could follow him. No! He Made us to proclaim His glory. To show his mercy, his righteousness, his love and forgiveness.

I am truly Blessed that Jesus has sought me and bought me and I hope that he continues to open my eyes to the Beauty and Passion of his creation!

The Transient

Thursday, October 8, 2009

So I have a semi-new neighbor (no pun intended:which you would only get if you are her, or Brian, but still...) and we have become friends quite easily. We are both around the house a lot of the day, we both love to cook, and are passionate about our husbands. We get along very easily, and I've been so glad she moved in. Yet there is a part of me, a part that says I live in this transient place and in this transient time of life, so I therefore must not become good friends with her. It is tragic! Here we are at this strange place in life, between high school/college/single life and married/career/family life. It is an awesome place to be, don't get me wrong; but it creates in me this sort of guard. It's almost as if something inside of me is saying, "don't become friends here, don't let down your guard, don't let these people really know you" and yet I have spent the entirety of a year groaping around this space for some real good friends. And now, I believe God is giving me one, and as stupid as it sounds, I'm a bit scared. Scared that we'll become good friends and then we won't see each other for like 20 years! I know this is lame. What's so bad about that? Nothing I guess, except for all but one of my close friends live far away from me, or I mean I live far from them and it's kinda hard to keep up friendships over distance. (and yet, it is worth it, and I know that my friends that I have kept over the distance are my true friends) Over all I must say that I am excited, and greatful for my new friend... I suppose all of this is coming up, because the friend I made last year, or at least the one that I have become closest friends with, is moving in December. I am so happy for her and her family, they've been here, living at this college for a long time, so I am happy for them... and I am sad for me. But you know, that's just the thing here, they come and go, and I'm no different. Even now I look forward to the day when we can move somewhere else. Where we can desert what has now become our stomping ground here, and move on, to another transient space; in hope that we will be one step closer to being settled....planted....Home.